My First Anxiety Attack (Maybe)

I know I’ve been living with anxiety for as long as I can remember, but I just had a flashback to the time I almost drowned in a swimming pool and the cause might have been my first anxiety attack.

I was a good swimmer. Probably not the fastest, but I had good stamina. I’m talking about me at age, I don’t know, maybe 9 to 14? Anyway, we used to have a free pass to a swimming pool in one of the largest hotels in Jakarta at the time where I had a swimming instructor who taught me how to swim.

Once I became a confident swimmer, I enjoyed swimming laps at the deep end of the pool (as in swimming the width of the pool back and forth) because it was always less crowded. It was an Olympic size pool with lines on the tiles to indicate lanes but no physical lane dividers.

I was in the middle of doing a lap when, all of a sudden, I thought about how deep the pool was (it was in fact 3 meters deep) and how I could die if I drowned. That did me in. Dread overtook me and suddenly I just couldn’t breathe and I forgot how to swim. I tried to stay afloat but that didn’t work very well in my panic. Luckily, the lifeguard wasn’t slacking in his job. He saved me and brought me to dry, solid ground, to the arms of my loving mother.

I lost a chunk of confidence in my swimming that day. It took me a while before I was swimming the deep end of the pool again, and even then, I had to make sure that my mother was nearby.

I’m not a confident swimmer at all now. I’m too afraid to swim in open water or to swim the deep end of the pool (when I do have access to a proper swimming pool, usually when we’re travelling) is something I’d rather not do because I really can’t control my anxiety, and I generally just don’t want to drown.

Why I Chose Photography

Photography is my visual art expression of choice because I cannot draw to save my life.

This morning I woke up too early, as usual, and while browsing the Internet, came across a tutorial on how to draw a puffin. I’ve been drawing puffins on my tablet obsessively since. Even picked up a stylus just for this purpose.

These are my first three puffins. They are not the greatest. The one on the right is my favourite.

I can't draw to save my life. No joke.

I’ll keep trying. Who knows. I might come up with a masterpiece! (Not likely but it doesn’t cost anything to dream.)

Hello world!

I’ve had this domain for eight years. The original idea was to use it as a portfolio site to showcase my photography, web design, and whatnot but never really came into fruition. For the longest time it was a photoblog, and then it was just a testing ground for my web design projects.

Now I’m thinking of turning it into a place for me to post stuff that don’t belong to any of the other blogs. Weblog Wannabe is my travel blog. Fish and Custard is my geek and craft blog, or at least, it will be. That means my personal writings shall go here. Not sure how personal it will ever get, but if I ever feel like ranting about something in writing, it will be posted here. Consider yourself warned. (Not that anyone but me and my husband knows this domain exists or anything.)

Of course I might change my mind. I likely will. It’s me we’re talking about. My mind changes like the weather in Iceland. They say, in Iceland, if you don’t like the weather, just wait 5 minutes. It will change. Except in my case, a lot of times, it takes less than 5 minutes for me to change my mind. It’s me. That’s how I am. Welcome to my world. Welcome to my dot com.